A palmist once told me some very interesting things about myself. Subconciously I knew these things already, I guess I’m very aware of myself, but it was intruiging to hear them all the same. She said over the years I’ve toughened up a bit, created a little cacoon around me, little barriers, to protect myself. And it’s so true. But now I’m kind of wondering.. is this a bad thing? My mum always tells me ‘don’t put all your eggs in one basket’ as in, ‘don’t put your everything into this, don’t get your hopes up because you’ll most likely end up dissappointed and hurt.’ In ways she’s right, and in ways I’ve ended up with that mindset. Two years ago I was easily changeable, easily manipulated. Easily used and easily stuffed full of hope. But over time I was hurt and let down and used and heartbroken. It kept happening because I hadn’t learnt, I kept putting salt into old wounds. Slowly but surely I’ve been learning though. I’ve learnt the more you put into something the more you’re vulnerable, left raw. Insecure. Inadequete. And it’s never about whoever seems to be causing the pain, it’s about me and finding my happiness. I’m at this point where I know this, but I still find myself falling back to old patterns but just with new people. I get so sick of it, I want to break free and find something amazing, find that missing piece because I know how every situation will end. The whole point is that I don’t know how to be anymore. Someone very close to me once told me I seem dettached.. At first it surprised me but I know exactly what she’s talking about. I don’t want to wear my heart on my sleeve but at the same time I’m waiting for someone to come along and be like.. I know what goes on underneath that smile, and it’s okay. I think you’re beautiful and I want to be in this secret world with you.
[You were the only one I could ever speak, the secret language between us and the sheets.]
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