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I slept for five hours last night and I didn’t care. Not in a bad way either, I just couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about What’s wrong with me!? :S I don’t know what’s happening.
Wait.. actually I do.
I’m feeling that.
I love his smile.. and when he looks in my eyes and kisses me on the cheek and his voice and when he grabs my hand and how he smells.
There are no words to describe how this feels,
I just want to live in it.
A palmist once told me some very interesting things about myself. Subconciously I knew these things already, I guess I’m very aware of myself, but it was intruiging to hear them all the same. She said over the years I’ve toughened up a bit, created a little cacoon around me, little barriers, to protect myself. And it’s so true. But now I’m kind of wondering.. is this a bad thing? My mum always tells me ‘don’t put all your eggs in one basket’ as in, ‘don’t put your everything into this, don’t get your hopes up because you’ll most likely end up dissappointed and hurt.’ In ways she’s right, and in ways I’ve ended up with that mindset. Two years ago I was easily changeable, easily manipulated. Easily used and easily stuffed full of hope. But over time I was hurt and let down and used and heartbroken. It kept happening because I hadn’t learnt, I kept putting salt into old wounds. Slowly but surely I’ve been learning though. I’ve learnt the more you put into something the more you’re vulnerable, left raw. Insecure. Inadequete. And it’s never about whoever seems to be causing the pain, it’s about me and finding my happiness. I’m at this point where I know this, but I still find myself falling back to old patterns but just with new people. I get so sick of it, I want to break free and find something amazing, find that missing piece because I know how every situation will end. The whole point is that I don’t know how to be anymore. Someone very close to me once told me I seem dettached.. At first it surprised me but I know exactly what she’s talking about. I don’t want to wear my heart on my sleeve but at the same time I’m waiting for someone to come along and be like.. I know what goes on underneath that smile, and it’s okay. I think you’re beautiful and I want to be in this secret world with you.
[You were the only one I could ever speak, the secret language between us and the sheets.]
And this,
this is why I can’t put my everything into anything.
It just hurts you,
Thought I was scared to fly without you here
Now you can’t get under my skin
Like you did before, why?
I was so reluctant to walk out on us
So now I’m taking back my life,
goodbye..
So I find myself wanting to start singing again. Lol, again. I keep thinking in terms of what I’m meant to do.. am I meant to start singing again? Or is it just gonna be one of those things I’ve always wanted to do but haven’t got around to it. I want to compete in our school’s Idol but I pretty much suck these days, so I’m not sure.
My day was average. The only real good part was Jess coming round to mine after school and everyone commenting on my (fake) tan throughout the day. I wore my tie in hopes of miraculously turning into Serena from Gossip Girl. Speaking of which I really feel like watching..
You know what’s odd? When things hardly bother you in everyday life but as soon as you’re drunk you have a million things to say to someone. I mean, I’m not hell cut up about it like I usually am but at the same time it pisses me off that he all acts like nothing happened and blames it on hormones. And somehow I apparently led him on. Me? Lead someone on? That’s like calling Mickey Mouse a horse.. or maybe I think too much of myself. I can no longer determine what I want or what I’m looking for if anything. So I guess I’ll continue on how things are. Routine is boring but easily acceptable.
Meanwhile this weather is fucking shit and I want fucking sun. I’m never prepared for Winter nor do I want to be, I’m kind of sick of being in dark colours and having rained-on hair. I want to be able to wear shorts and not be freezing my aaass off and to not have to be yelled at by grumpy teachers who hate on you for sitting inside. I think I’ve become just a bit Australian aha. I’m also nowhere near motivated/energetic enough to do homework. At the moment I feel like mixing up some dance music and making up some designs for a pair of Nike Airs. (Oh and as a side note, does anyone know any good/simple-but-not-little-kids kinda music making programs? Or even music editing programs? Free too!?)
Mm I guess that’s all for now. There’s more than enough thoughts for one day.
Catchhhhh x
Lately I’ve been hard to reach
I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone
Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I’m reaching out for you..
Nobody asked for life to deal us with these bullshit hands we’re delt
We have to take these cards ourselves and flip them, don’t expect no help
Now I could have either just sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I’m placed in and get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid to wait by the door and pack his bags
Never sat on the porch and hoped and prayed for a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in, every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me keep making that face & it’ll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I’m just standing there holding my tongue up trying to talk like this
Till I stuck my tongue on the frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn’t tryin to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story,
Not just based on my description
Cause from where you see it, from where you’re sitting is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile in each other’s shoes, at least
What size you wear? I wear tens
Let’s see if you can fit your feet
In my shoes just to see what it’s like to be me
I be you, let’s trade shoes
Just to see what it’d be like to feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other’s minds
Just to see what we find
Looking at shit through each other’s eyes.
But don’t let ‘em say you ain’t beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.
And to the rest of the world, God gave you the shoes that fit you, so put em on and wear em.
And be yourself man, be proud of who you are.
Even if it sounds corny, don’t ever let no one tell you you ain’t beautiful.
Midnight guitar strumming, be at one with the moon
Laying down my lyrics near a lovely lagoon
With a bucket of shrooms and a staffy to pat
Mans bestfriend, yeah, I’m happy with that.
I wanna be happy, I bet that we all do
Ninety percent think they’ll never afford to
What a shame that money’s gone to the brain
Every country, every colour, everyone’s in it’s range.
So, today was pretty good. Nothing fabulous yet not bad. Maybe nothing really spoils my view on schooldays. But, I did have next to the worst Psychology lesson. Psychology I expected to like and I was really looking forward to it during the holidays leading up to school. But now it’s kinda, well, shit. It was test time for the rest of the class, but because I was away (as I am every friday because of my vet course) I couldn’t do it because I was unaware of the pages we’d been assigned to read over the weekend. So after arriving late and attempting to do the roll over the yelling of loud obnoxious teenagers, she went around to hand out paper for the test. I mentioned I was away and she replied with “well, it’s your responsibility to catch up on the work you’ve missed out on.” Which was fair enough, but I didn’t bother responding with the fact she barely had a spare minute coz I’m the kind of person who prefers to sink into the background and just do what I have to do without a big cuffufle. So she comes around to me again and hands me a sheet, I’m confused but hesitantly take it. “What, couldn’t reach it could you?” She says. She walks away and I express my frustrations to my neighbours about how she’s always rude to me. (Last lesson she said there was no point in me handing up my essay because there was no referencing and she didn’t even read it.) She hears me and says across the classroom “I’m not rude, you were sticking out your arm like” /makes sounds. “Nah, everytime you speak to me you’re rude to me!” Everyone kind of gives me shocked looks and gasps and stuff. So I sit through the test doing nothing. Just colouring in my name a bit more and making the holes in the side flowers. So afterwards she goes on a rant about how we’re all going to fail and how we all suck and that two of us passed the previous test. Just a whole load of negativity and I’m still fuming at her stupid menopausal self. She hands out a sheet on WHY we suck and how we can .. well, get better. But it was basically a list of everything we did wrong. She says “Although you didn’t hand up your last essay, Amelia. I’m sure this’ll help you”
And my god, it made me so angry!
If someone’s going to be rude to me, no matter their age or their position, I’m definetly not going to hold any respect for them or feel the need to be nice. Arrogant? No. But if someone doesn’t treat me with respect or have any regard for my situation or feelings, I’m not going to do the same with them.
Sigh.
Sometimes I really hate authority.
End of rant.
I can’t even believe how fast this year has gone. It’s already August, and I’m almost seventeen. Like.. seventeen.! It’s strange because I can feel myself maturing, growing. My outlook is changing and my style is changing and the company I keep is changing.. Also.. I think I’m getting to a point where I’m..well, happy. Yeah, I’m happy. And I’m starting to accept me! Hallelujah for a growing confidence! I don’t know when it happened, or what I exactly did. I mean, in no way am I bulletproof but shiit, things are so much better. I’m so over wasting time on people who don’t deserve an ounce of mine..
It’s strange how happiness can come from the most unlikeliest of situations. The one girl who I thought was ruining all my chances at supposed happiness turned out to be the one to turn things around. I met her and things just started falling into place. I’m in a different place now, my future is coming into focus and I’m getting older and leaving the past behind. I’m getting through school steadily and finishing up my vet course and all these opportuinities are coming to me. I completed a modelling course and am starting a new one soon, I’ve done a shoot with a photographer friend of mine and things are just working for me. Some people have been blessed with beautiful homes and parents who earn lots of money.. and although I lack on that front, I still feel blessed and I know I’m going to make it. Whatever life is throwing at me, I can take it and twist it to work to my advantage.
I’ve also been blessed with some amazing people. Even if I don’t see them all the time, even if they’re outta school or at a different school or whatever, I appreciate them for what they bring to the table and also as individuals. I seem to be the kind of person who makes friends with a lot of different people. The “partiers” or the “nerds” or the “emo’s” (if you feel the need to categorise people.) But I’m done with all that judging and categorising and shit. The more people you meet, the more you learn, the more you explore and I’m thankful for being the kind of person that can get along with all sorts of people. I may be sounding a tad stuck up here ahah.. buut hopefully you get what I mean. I’ve always been unsure of where I belong, but I’m pretty sure right here is good for right now.
Pretty sure Thursday night was one of the funniest nights ever.
And pretty sure Christie is one of the most hilarious people I’ve ever met.
My story begins when we get on the 861 and from lunchtime we’re having a bit of porn competition via. hiptop with Luke so we’re googling keywords like ‘fat people hardcore porn’ and ‘black gay men hardcoreporn’ and laugh uncontrollably and send the links to Luke. Alec’s behind us so I keep checking if he can see what we’re doing and he keeps going “whaat!?” with that smile of his. We get off the bus and he looks at us and goes “that is fucked up” and we laugh our heads off on Grenfell st. Next thing we know we run into Graph.. and it’s funny coz we always try to imitate his voice, but can’t get a balance between whiny, aussie gangsta and druggie >.< But we keep trying, all the time, because it keeps us entertained trying to twist our mouth around sayings like “Im saoo eemohhj, in mwy tiight jaynes” After Nandos and bubble tea we get on the train with my fat bag and get off at whatever stop and we finally get to her place. I get introduced to her dog & her mum, and I start laughing uncontrollably and inform Christie that her DOG looks like my BAG which looks like a FAT SAUSAGE. Which is hilarious to us, so I start calling the dog sausage. We go into her room and she’s made my bed which has like.. pink sparkly high heels all over it and the sheets have FAIRIES on them and I laugh coz I seriously felt like I was in year 5. It’s cold so we end up infront of the heater and I pull all my hair into a big fountain on top of my head and we laugh some more and take photos.
We get to Jamie’s rugby training and her lover boy walks past.. soon there’s something like three teams of guys around us and we pick out our favourites. My visions retarded though, so we’re forced to get closer to get a better look and my favourite’s the one in a red jacket. We go into the club rooms to ask her mum if they have club parties or picnics or family days and stuff coz we wanna come along to er.. support them. We take some fliers and laugh because we thought it said Silverchair was coming but really, it said Silverhair in the Superman font and that took up a whole five minutes. So, we’re sitting on the bleacher things and we hear the faint sound of The Veronica’s “Untouched.” We look up and see some old bogan guy in the back corner singing along to the song on his phone >.< Soon enough it’s freezing and we can’t find her mum and we almost get hit with balls like 230944389 times and Jamie goes to find the disappeared woman. During this time we get a better look at kdog as he saunters past and Christie’s like “Did you see his face!?” and I’m like “Er, not really. I kinda kept looking at his leg muscles.. is that weird? He’s got a nice tan” and I laugh at myself coz I notice strange things.
We go to maccas and get dinner and I inform Christie she says “actual” heaps and I’ve picked up on the habit myself. We get home and eat and watch Bondi Vet coz her mum’s in love with Dr. Chris Brown. We get into lazy clothes and go outside and take self-timer photos of us doing handstands and jumping in the air and it ends up with us taking our clothes off. FOR REAL. Lmao nah. We suspect frost bite from our cold feet and then come up with the theory that we have swine flu. We freak out a bit and sit on msn on our phones and ask Santino if we can ask to call him Tino or San. It gets boring so we go and eat maccas ice cream cake just bcoz we like the sprinkles. We get water then, and I hide Christie’s behind the kettle while she does something. She comes back and actual has no idea where it went and I start laughing and she’s laughing and I have to POINT OUT where it is.
We end up falling asleep.. well more like blacking out and wake up at like 7 to some retarded clock alarm I had no idea I had and we believe further we have swine flu coz we’re burping up ice cream cake and can barely keep awake. Christie gets the day off and I have to go to VET so she walks me to the trainstop in her little derro/don’t-look-at-me outfit. We soon part our ways and it’s sad because I don’t want to go to vet and I want to stay with her >.< But eventually I leave to remenisce on the GOOD DAYS ;D And that was pretty much the best night ever.
It’s about me.
And every guy.. it’s been the same thing.
It’s safe to say this is just lust. I can recognise it now, the difference..
I still remember sitting on the trampoline a couple months back with Sal.. my hands on his legs and his on mine. “I really like you, Sal” and all he replied with was “It’s just lust..” Because it was and somehow he knew it and I didn’t.. I saw this spirit in his eyes and something in his stupid monotonous tone and how he just kinda shined when he smiled. I was absoloutely all about him, and I can still see why. I stuck around when that girl broke his heart and when he drowned it all out with Woodstock and weed.. Even if I wanted more, I stuck around because I cared and wanted to help him so, so badly. I guess it still hurts.. but it only hurts because I know I’m insecure. Coz I guess, I’ve got that hole in my heart but somehow have so much to give at the same time..
Then he.. he was my rebound. To get my mind off of all the crap.. And I started to notice the way his lips hung open and the way he’d widen his eyes as a greeting in the hall.. and his perfect chest and golden tan.. But he was just the one next in line.. another person the universe or whoever controls all this to shove infront of me and say “Come on Amelia, you can do it this time. You can learn. You can be strong. There is NO NEED to be jealous of it this time.. I’m going to make sure he’s got a girlfriend, too. So you can learn proper!” So, this time I’m not sitting up at night, listening to ‘Halo’, reading his text messages wondering if I was falling in love.. This time it’s just lust. It is just lust. Goddamn attractive, fine piece of hunk.. Ah but yes, it’s always got to be a bit more than that.. he has a girlfriend. Dammit, we can’t just freely use each other for sex and have this secret affair.. I’ve got to care.
I’ve got to have these moments where I kinda wish I had what he had with his girl.
Moments where I wish I was in her place, be the kind of person he’d want to be with.
Or even, maybe, I could pour everything to him and he’d see it.. he’d see that I’d been hurt and pull me close with a sweetness in his eyes and hug me and say “I’m sorry you had to go through that. You’re an amazing girl. You don’t deserve it.” And I’d be wrapped up in my very own safety blanket, in his arms. And his lips would find my forehead momentarily and everything would be perfect in that moment.
But this isn’t about him, this is about me.
If I wasn’t insecure the way I am, I wouldn’t want that with him, or with Sal or with any other guy there’s been. I wouldn’t need validation. I wouldn’t sit around picking out things I don’t like about myself.. I wouldn’t be sitting thinking how his girlfriend is so skinny, and how my boobs aren’t big enough and my thighs are too chunky and how asian my eyes look without make-up. I wouldn’t worry about that, and compare myself to the girl of the moment.
I would be happy with myself, and I wouldn’t need anybody to hold me and I wouldn’t wish for that girl’s boyfriend.
I think I’m finally getting it. I am me. And when I accept that, I’ll be free.
I need a new post.
Burn every bridge but you still see the smoke, tryna get across but you sank every boat
So, what’s been going down in Amelia world? Well, last Wednesday I went to town with Hannah and we spent the day discussing everything from how much leg hair is acceptable on guys to ..our preference of ‘tall, dark & handsome’ guys.. okay, so maybe we spent most of the day talking about guys but we looked at some cute shops down Rundle street aswell. I got home and Dad drove me to Jess’s 
It took longer than usual because it was dark and Dad was all ‘I’m sure we’ve gone past it’ and I was like ‘Preeetty sure it was after that aborginal painting stuff, Dad, I remember that.’
…I was right 
Heaps made friends with Jess’s lil sister, Rachel. We spent the rest of the night taking photos on my webcam and eating fondue and putting chocolate on our faces >.< Thursday we went to see 17 again, which was actual awesome (Zac Efron is a true hottie) and I stayed Thursday and called into VET to say I was “run down” (I probably was anyway.) The next day it became cold and rainy and Jess & I sloshed our way around the place to town, and I finally got home. When I got home I danced around to my Ipod (because I brought new headphones) while waiting for Dad to finish on the computer. A copy of Twilight was ACTUALLY available so we went down, got that, watched it and discussed every detail He liked it, big yays. Ooh then we watched Medium, which was awesome as usual and I wished I had even a little bit of physic ability.
The next morning I woke up at 12.30 to the sky bucketing with rain. I lazed around the house in my quilt, took some photos (as above) and complained about my mother. Mum’s picking me up tonight.. at midnight. She’s probably out with her boyfriend at some bar listening to music.. -.- I should be happy but I’m just pissed off she didn’t call and tell me what’s going on.
I don’t wanna go back to school. To early mornings and bad skin and homework.. speaking of which I have an oral to do.. I left the sheet at school though (how very me) and can’t do it.
Sigh, well I guess that’s it. Nothing exciting like me falling in love or wanting to kill myself orrr discovery of some large family secret. Guess life isn’t like the movies 
Catch. x
